Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Second in the toughest league in the world!

So there we were, thinking the Championship was a crap league full of mediocre teams! Think again! Hot on the heels of Cardiff dumping Blackburn out of the Carling Cup, Crystal Palace have now joined them in the semifinal by beating none other than Man Utd.

So, two semifinalists and the current holders of this great competition are now in the Championship. And let's not forget that we were in the semifinal last season ourselves!

Meanwhile, Tottenham came a Roy at home to a no mark Greek club in the Europa League. That's what happens when you leave Scotty Parker out of the team!

With Man Utd, Chelsea and Man City all struggling in the Champions League, its beginning to look as if the Prem is not all it is made out to be. Next season should be a doddle!

Trading Nolan and Parker.

So that's it then, based on last season's table, a win at home to Burnley will ward off the spectre of relegation to the old Third Division!

I say this only slightly tongue in cheek because there were those who, following relegation, warned that going through the Championship, like a backstreet vindaloo in New Delhi through the tummy of a five year old, was a distinct possibility. There was talk of all the players leaving, of no money for replacements, of a team of kids and aged yard dogs signed on frees. And then we bought Nolan.

And say what you like about Captain Kev's performances on the pitch, his signing was like a defibrillator for the West Ham corpse. Yes Doctor Evil was in place to reanimate the monster, but even Frankenstein needed what Shelley called "the spark of life"; and Nolan supplied it.

The interesting question is, would we be as successful had we retained Parker and not signed Nolan; and for all Scotty's rave reviews last year and this, and Player of the Season award, I think the answer very obviously would be no. I insisted last season that Nolan was the real Player of the Season because his goals and assists kept Newcastle up, whereas Parker's energy just saw us scamper to relegation, and I think Nolan is proving my point even whilst not playing well.

As Allardyce says, Nolan will score 12 to 14 goals come the end of the season, and that will almost certainly be the difference between the play offs and outright promotion. Goals win games, and Nolan supplies them - not only because of those he scores but because of the headache he causes to defenders every time we attack. They know he is a threat, they have to track him and mark him, and that makes space for others.

So whilst I have not been a big fan of his personal performances this season, there's no taking away from Nolan that he has been absolutely critical to our dramatic turn around. He is a captain. He doesn't charge around like a headless chicken, like Parker did in Claret and Blue, but he instills confidence and composure instead.

Look at our performance at Coventry. It was uninspiring but it was not uninspired. Had Parker been in the team as the leader, our play would have been frenetic when we were a goal behind, with Scotty running up blind alleys, flying into tackles and conceding free kicks; and an edge of desperation would have crept into to our play. But Nolan is different. He smiles. He looks languid. He somehow knows that it will all turn out all right and his confidence is infectious.

Look at the Derby game. The first time he touched the ball, he bisected two team mates and conceded a throw in. Inept! But did Nolan let that worry him? Did he hell as like. He just got on with it as usual, doing what he does, in the way he does it, and turning nasty at one point - on the pitch rather than in the dressing room - when he felt the team were not performing as they should do. And then he drilled in that brilliant goal, and won us the game in a flash of genius.

And at Miserablebrough yesterday, we saw the other side, winding up opponents, antagonising them into losing self control, provoking Boro players into little vendettas rather than playing to the team shape. It was crafty and effective. Did Nolan stand out on the night like Parker always did in a West Ham shirt? No. He just did a job and in doing a job, he did a number on the opposition. Whereas Parker always looked anxious, desperate, hurried, frantic and passionate, Nolan drifted through the game facilitating the team rather than trying to be the team himself.

Parker has found his role at Tottenham. He is a cog and the team plays around him. Sadly at West Ham, Parker played as if he was the machine, charging here, there and everywhere and infecting the team with a sense of desperation and helplessness. If Scotty can't win it, what chance do we stand?

Why are we winning now? Because we traded Parker for Nolan, trading desperate energy for languid control. To compare the two as players is as stupid as comparing a centre back to a centre forward but to compare them as leaders and examples to the team is perfectly valid. And Nolan is exactly what West Ham needed, a level headed leader who wins games, rather than a passionate whirlwind who was always fighting off defeat.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Liverpool's Bellyache Brilliant! Fat Belly Not!

Full marks to Bellyache for wiping away his tears and setting up both Liverpool goals. But what the hell was Fatty Dowd up to? How did he not give that penalty when David Luiz was scythed down in the box. If that wasn't a penalty then Kennedy wasn't shot by anybody!

Dowd, of course did spot the Liverpool penalty, albeit Carroll missed it. How much did the Fat Man have on a Liverpool win you wonder? Enough to keep him in pies for the foreseeable future!

Middlesbrough 0 West Ham 2 - Professional, Clinical, Wonderful

Frankenstein brought his monster to life in November and Doctor Evil has reanimated West Ham United in similar fashion. We had no right to win tonight. West Ham don't win that far North. West Ham don't win anywhere away from home in November. But Allardyce does.

Credit where credit is due, this is a new West Ham United. I know the opposition are soft but with West Ham that doesn't matter. On a cold November night north of the Watford Gap, we would normally be favourites to lose against a team of blind amputees; but one chance in the first half apart, Miserableborough hardly had a sniff. This wasn't lucky like at Coventry nor was it ugly like at Brighton, this was controlled, slick, clinical and ultra professional. This was the performance of a team that believes in itself - and we haven't been able to say that for a long, long time now!

Faubert played well. Taylor played well. Noble played well. Diop nearly finished off a wonderful move that featured well over ten passes. Demel had a good debut. Tomkins looked good. McCartney was efficient. Faye was Faye. Unfussy and effective. Green was good. Freddie the Fly Tipper scored, and so did Carlton, rounding the keeper before doing so. O'Brien came on and did well. And Nolan played.

Some will be disappointed that Southampton won but, in a strange way, that result suited us too. The gap is substantial and the teams below must be turning their minds to securing a play off pace. Had Southampton stumbled, Hull and Leeds and Leicester would have sniffed a chance. But looking at the table tonight they will feel daunted.

And better still, Cardiff made it through to the semifinal of the League Cup. Good on them, Speed would be proud, but it isn't going to help them to stay focused on the league is it?

Well done to Doctor Evil, even if he has sold our soul, along with his own, to the Devil!

Half Time Middlesbrough 0 West Ham 1

So far so good! I questioned the selection of Freddie the Fly Tipper but his goal separates the teams. Middlesbrough weren't at the races for the first 20 minutes but have come into the game more subsequently and Green has been forced into meaningful action twice.

Faubert is playing well and so is Taylor; and Demel is fitting in decently too.

And as I write, Southampton are losing at home to Hull so, for the time being at least, we are top of the table. Doctor Evil is no doubt sacrificing another virgin in the tunnel to keep Satan happy. The trouble is, with nineteen games played, there can't be many more left in East London and Essex!

Demel starts, Cole & Collison benched!

Doctor Evil shuffles the pack again, presumably because Cole and Collison can't cope with two back to back games, even though Cole was withdrawn 20 minutes before the end on Saturday. What is wrong with those two exactly?

The team is high on muscle and low on finesse as usual under Allardyce. No complaints from me tonight because we need players who will roll up their sleeves and fight, although that makes the selection of Freddie The Fly Tipper very odd indeed!


Demel, Faye, Tomkins, McCartney


Nolan  Noble

Faubert                      Taylor


Subs Stech, O'Brien, Collison, Sears, Cole

It's wet, it's cold, it's late November, it's a long way North so....

...the clever money is on Middlesbrough to win by three clear goals!

If we get a result tonight, then we will know that Allardyce has changed the club, transforming us from pretty losers to ugly winners; even a draw would represent a minor miracle!

The personnel and formation don't matter, to be honest, it is all about the state of mind tonight. Remember Newcastle last season? Remember our performances at Liverpool in each of the last two seasons? Remember our performance at Bolton? West Ham don't do away games up North full stop, away games up North in mid week are beyond a joke!

So, what team will turn up tonight? The old style West Ham who role over and die at Watford Gap, or the Allardyce version, a team of hard nosed pros who know that Miserableborough offer little by way of threat and are there for the taking?

My money is on a 3-0 defeat or a 2-0 victory!

Monday, 28 November 2011

QPR's Fernandes - The Positives

He signed Barton. He bought Wright-Phillips. He bought Anton and Traore. He signed Luke Young. He stood behind Warnock. He is looking for a new stadium. He has promised to strengthen the squad in January. He hasn't sold Taraabt or Faurlin.

He has given hope to QPR; and the Rs have surprised a few of us by harvesting 15 points already, keeping them 5 points ahead of the drop zone.

Oh, and he used to watch Stan Bowles playing for QPR in the early 1980s! Whereas I watched Bowles (in awe) in the 1970s.

West Ham to sign African International Centre Back in January!

Brilliant! If the rumours are true, we are trying to sign Moustapha Bayal Sall in January. Now apart from the fact that he will be nicknamed Crap as soon as we sign him - what self respecting East Ender could resist given his Christian name? - there is the little matter of the African Cup of Nations which kicks off in the third week of the month.

Wouldn't that be West Ham all over? Sign the player in January, give him a 5 year contract, package him off to Africa for the Cup of Nations, then discover he has contracted malaria whilst over there so will never kick a ball for the club!

QPR's Fernandes freewheeling and back peddling all at the same time!

It somehow seems a little disrespectful for Fernandes to be spinning his yarns on the day after Gary Speed's death, but the guy is bursting with bull so I suppose he couldn't keep it in for 24 hours.

Just listen to the egotistic self publicist! Talking about the wheeze of tweeting the fans to ask them to nominate potential new signings, Fernandes gushes: "That was superb. Without blowing my own trumpet, I have to say it was inspired by me." Well good on you Tony, we needed to know that I must say!

He continued: "You effectively have 100,000 scouts out there for you, and there is no way QPR could know every single player. Suddenly we have players we've never heard of, and Neil is looking at videos and thinking 'not bad'. It was seen as another mad Tony Fernandes moment, but there was no harm, no downside."

No downside? Ever heard the one about sorting the wheat from the chaff Tony? Or the problem of buying players on the back of a YouTube video? Didn't Sounness run into a problem at Southampton, having to pull off an African after 5 minutes? What about West Ham's signing of Faubert, who looked really special on video, but absolutely shite on the pitch? Dear God, I can watch football from all around the world courtesy of my Betfair account but if you don't know the quality of the opposition, how can you judge the quality of an individual player's performance? Avram Grant ended up will a till operative from Taco Bell when he signed Barrera after the last World Cup, the real one stayed in Mexico!

After blowing his own trumpet, and that can't be easy with his belly, Fernandes continues, "We have to strengthen our squad. It's just not deep enough. I feel we maybe need three, four." which sounds really exciting if you are an expectant R, until he adds, "We could end up with none if we don't find anyone"! Ah, getting closer to the truth all of a sudden!

So it's time to big it up again in case fans sense the lack of genuine intent: "We had six or seven in the last transfer window, which is way above what I thought we'd get." Does that 6 or 7 include Gabbidon and Dyer perchance? Ferdinand, Wright-Phillips, Young, Barton...Have I forgotten anybody?

Then he adds: "It depends. At the last minute some things come up. It's very hard to tell." True, Tony, true. Warnock may be trawling through those 100,000 videos and just before the window slams shut, he may spot a Lithuanian playing in a Sunday league game and yell, "That's it! That's my man! Get out the cheque book Tony, this one can be had for a fiver and twenty Ryaniar flights for his nearest and dearest. We can even stock up the staff in the local Lap Dancing club as part of the package!"

Did anybody ask him about Gary Speed I wonder? "Ah, Gary Speed, great man, almost as great as me. I remember watching him playing alongside Stan Bowles when I used to stand on the terraces at Loftus Road in the early 1980's!"

Sunday, 27 November 2011

West Ham's Perfect Day - Well Nearly!

Southampton lost, Leeds lost, Hull lost, Leicester drew, Middlesborough drew, Blackpool drew, Birmingham drew, even Millwall edged closer to relegation whilst taking two points off of Palace. Only Cardiff let the side down by beating Forest, otherwise we would have been the only side in the top half to take maximum points!

I keep saying that Doctor Evil has signed a pact with the Devil. Perhaps that's why he sounded so depressed after yesterday's game. Perhaps he caught a sight of his reflection, Omen style, and saw a hammer crashing down on the back of his skull. Perhaps his mobile rang and a sinister voice said, "I'm fulfilling my side of the bargain, remember your soul is mine". Perhaps the significance of the retired number 6 shirt registered at the final whistle as Allardyce looked up and saw three pictures of Bobby Moore, 666, the sign of the Beast, the birthmark hidden beneath Sam's unnatural mop of hair!

Apart from the injury to Baldock, yesterday truly was a wonderful day as we bid for an immediate return to the Premiership. Cardiff may only be 3 points behind us but as Sam pointed out, they have played one game more. And, if we are honest, we don't see them as a genuine threat do we?

In fact, what team in this division should worry us? Name me a Premiership quality player in the entire division! Name me a team that makes you think, shit, on a good day, they could be a bit special. This is a truly mediocre division, so mediocre that our mediocre team can string three victories together whilst playing crap football.

Allardyce is rewriting Animal Farm as we watch. All teams are mediocre but some teams are more mediocre than others!

Why Gary, why?

What a terrible waste. Gary Speed was a very decent player, a  very decent bloke by all accounts and, based on recent Wales performances, a more than very decent manager; but at aged 42 he has thrown away his life and left a wife and two young children in mourning. What ever lies behind this, his decision to take his own life was a wasteful, foolish and a sadly selfish act from a man respected for the help and support he has given to others. God knows what his family are going through at the moment and they should be our first concern as we ponder why Gary, why?

It certainly could have nothing to do with football because Speed was surfing the crest of a wave inside the game. If depression was to blame - as some are already suggesting - then those who chuck around comments about mental health issues - and there have been a few on here today - might like to stop and think. We have accepted that using terms related to physical and mental disability as insults are unacceptable, but some idiots still seem to think it is fair game to use mental illness itself as a stock insult. Maybe if they didn't, those who genuinely suffer might feel more comfortable about seeking help.

Congratulations are due to Kenny Dalglish for his statement and for making the decision to rest Bellamy. Shankly shamefully claimed that football was more important than life and death; but Dalglish has righted that wrong today by saying that grieving is "more important than any football match". Spot on.

Congratulations too to the fans at the Swansea v Villa and Liverpool v Man City games. Stupid rivalries were put aside and the applause in both stadia was very touching.

Life goes on, but sadly not for Gary Speed. His pain is over but that pain has been passed to a wife, loving parents and two young children - as well as to current and former players up and down the land who seem to have genuinely loved the guy. Given's tears and the inability of Hartson to broadcast for Radio 5 Live say it all.

Football is in a state of shock and perhaps we should all take stock. It seems such a wonderful life but the pressures are acute and players and managers are people, with human emotions, and can be hurt like everybody else. Those hunting down Kean at Blackburn and Bruce at Sunderland might like to reflect. Of course we feel passionate about the game and the club we love but sometimes we cross the line in an unacceptable way and sometimes a terrible price is paid, a price far worse than relegation.

Allardyce Blames 4-4-2!

So, we were crap in the first half because we played 4-4-2 and were dreaming of edging closer to the top, and much better in the second because we went 4-3-3 according to Doctor Evil. Nothing to do with missing out the midfield and lumping long balls forward then! And nothing to do with Derby's fragile confidence being shattered by the goal right on half time! Nope, Allardyce explained it all thus:

"We weren't very good today, there's no doubt about that. I think the players saw the Southampton result and that plus the 4-4-2 formation I picked affected them. We changed to a 4-3-3 after the break and everyone saw the best of our players after that."

The trouble is, I didn't see a formation change at half time. I expected us to set up 4-4-2 but it looked pretty much like 4-3-3 throughout. Where was Baldock playing whilst he was on the pitch? Wasn't he operating the left flank? Time and again, the ball was thumped up the left touchline for him to chase. And Faubert? Wasn't he very advanced on the right? Wasn't it Faubert who was repeatedly getting into the box ahead of Cole as Baldock crossed from the left? And if we were setting up 4-4-2, why was Collison over on the right when Derby broke with the ball to score?

The truth is, this was a shit Derby team very, very low on confidence. Once they conceded, they folded. It was nothing to do with Allardyce's team talk or formation changes - had we not scored on the stroke of half time, we would have seen a very different game, with the fans booing off the team at half time and on their backs from the very start of the second.

The one thing that Allardyce got spot on was "We weren't very good" although I think the word "today" was surplus to requirements - we weren't very good at Coventry, at home to Bristol City, away to Brighton, for 70 minutes at Hull, second half against Leicester...

But, as the Allardyce Apostates will rightly say, we keep winning!

Dozy Gabbidon Costs QPR Points

Good to see Danny Fcuk the West Ham Fans Gabbidon playing his full part in helping QPR to defeat at Norwich. We Hammers fans are well used to seeing forwards unmarked in the six yard box with Gabbidon standing watching, so it is nice to know that Danny Boy is maintaining his West Ham form whilst playing for the Rs.

Warnock was not happy! So annoyed in fact that he muddled his Sheriff of Nottingham with his Robin Hood claiming, "I feel like Robin Hood in Sherwood Forest, I feel like I’ve been robbed, but if you can’t defend better than those two goals you don’t deserve to win." Poor old Warnock, barking up the wrong tree again. How long before he starts blaming it all on Friar Tevez?

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Who in this team runs with the ball?

One of the biggest problems with the current team is the absence of players with the ability to run past opponents. Tell me, who in the ranks has the pace or ability to take on opposition players and beat them?

Faubert should be doing it, of course, but he always seems to receive the ball when standing stock still or slows to snail's pace if running when he gets it. Once, just once, he tried to take on the full back on the outside today, and he lost the ball. The guy was summed up when, dawdling on the ball considering a cross, the ball was stolen off his foot by a Derby midfielder coming in from behind.

Second half Noble had the opportunity to break into the box, but there was no pace.

Nolan is, if anything, slower than Noble.

And Collison is on the wrong flank and so comes inside every time he receives the ball wide.

All game we looked pedestrian and heavy legged when we had the ball. Cole injected pace a couple of times and Piquionne once in the second half. Baldock obviously has the speed to trouble defenders but a hamstring injury may keep him out for some time, and anyway, we need him in the box, not working the left flank.

This team would be annihilated in the Prem because there is no pace, no guile and no flair. Of course, a kid named Montano is rumoured to have ability if only Doctor Evil would give him a go!

Tottenham's Parker's limitations exposed

True Spurs won but, by all accounts they were lucky. I didn't see the game but the BBC report reads:

"The scoreline flattered Spurs, who were disappointing in the first half and lacked creativity in central areas, with Rafael van der Vaart (hamstring) and Luka Modric (ill) both out."

Now there's a surprise. Like I keep saying, Parker is a useful cog with quality around him, but ask him to be the playmaker in midfield and his limitations are quickly exposed. Three goals scored, none by Parker and no assists for the former Hammer either. So the record still reads no goals and just one assist.

Parker gets six mentions on the BBC's text report. I quote:

11:35 Foul by Steven Reid on Emmanuel Adebayor, free kick awarded. Free kick taken by Scott Parker.

15:02 Youssouf Mulumbu challenges Raniere Sandro unfairly and gives away a free kick. Scott Parker restarts play with the free kick.

55:23 Scott Parker takes a shot. Blocked by Gareth McAuley.

63:30 Effort on goal by Scott Parker from outside the area goes harmlessly over the bar.

89:32 Scott Parker gives away a free kick for an unfair challenge on Jonas Olsson. Ben Foster takes the free kick.

90:00+0:25 The ball is sent over by Somen Tchoyi, Scott Parker manages to make a clearance.

It seems that without Modric and Van der Vaart, Parker isn't half the player in a Tottenham shirt. Now there's a shocker!

West Ham 3 Derby 1 - Magnificent Mediocrity!

The Nolan goal said it all. It was pure class, a beautiful strike, caught perfectly on the volley and drilled exocet like into the bottom corner of the net, beyond the despairing outstretched hand of former Labour Minister for Welfare Reform Frank Fielding. But what had Nolan done before that divine intervention? Absolutely nowt. Within 30 seconds of the start of the game, he received the ball in midfield and passed it perfectly into touch - and that summed up his performance until the goal!

What did we offer first half? For ten minutes we looked lively, if uninspired, and then we lost interest. A game to be won? Nah. Can't be arsed. It's gone five o'clock for Christ's sake, we should be having a shower by now and going for a night out on the town.

We were every bit as bad in that first half as against Coventry; until O'Brien whipped in our only decent cross of the half and Cole somehow connected in a veritable scrum of players, directing the ball goal wards and into the net via a forlorn effort to clear it off the line.

Baldock, to be fair, ran the left hand channel well until he pulled up with a hamstring injury, but who else looked interested? Collison forced a good save from Fielding and after the ball bobbled loose, Faubert thought, "What iz thees? If I move, I may score a goal." Sadly, by the time he had thrown aside his Gauloise and got his fat arse into gear, the chance was gone.

But those moments apart, what was there? Baldock stupidly didn't go down for a penalty when clearly fouled in the box. Nolan broke down the left and crossed into the arms of Fielding, with Faubert again reacting with all the urgency of a sloth on downers. And Baldock played in Nolan, only for the Newcastle man to selfishly shoot rather than trying to cross to the on jogging Faubert. Oh and Faubert controlled the ball with his arm before blasting over!

And then Derby scored. God knows how many West Ham players were drawn to the ball just inside the Derby half. Faubert was there. So was Collison, even though the ball was out on our right and he was playing on our left. So was O'Brien. And Cole. And Faye, belatedly, decided to join in for good measure. And for all I know, Noble and Nolan may well have been trying to join in the party! Which meant that once Derby won the ball, we were all over the bloody shop. Mind you, the situation was still redeemable because Derby only had Priskin in our half, but Tomkins elected to ball watch rather than track the on loan Ipswich reject and McCartney arrived all too late. Priskin took the chance beautifully to be fair, but the defending was truly inept!

And then somebody dropped something into our tea and we came out a different team second half.

Why? Why can't this team perform for 90 minutes? Isn't Allardyce the guru of fitness? Do the team really have to sit on their arses for the first 45 minutes in order to see out a game? Why the hell can't we sustain urgency through the first half of a game?

Second half we passed and moved and controlled the game. Nolan's goal was wonderful. Piquionne woke up and won a dubious penalty, which Noble buried with aplomb. Piquionne should have scored with two headers. And Derby hardly touched the ball. Our domination in the second 45 was absolute, so complete that Allardyce could have taken off Green and sent on an extra striker. Dear God, at one point the crowd started crying "Ole!"" as we strung together a whole series of passes rather than hoofing the ball long as first, second, third and last resort! It wasn't exactly Barcelona, but at least it wasn't the crude cross between Stoke and Bolton that we had been forced to endure for the first 43 minutes!

So, another win, another crucial three points and another mediocre performance. Derby arrived with the worst current form in the division and on the back of three consecutive defeats; and we made them look decent first half. If we win at Middlesborough on Tuesday, we will be well on course for promotion, but the quality of football remains truly, truly dire.

Player ratings: Green 7 (He looks so much better under crosses); O'Brien 6, Tomkins 4 (at fault for the goal and drawn out of position on two other occasions), Faye 6 (not great for the goal but otherwise unfussily effective), McCartney 6 (crossing dreadful); Faubert 6 (played in Piquionne for the penalty and one excellent corner that Piquionne should have scored from but dozy all game. He has all the anticipation of a corpse!) Noble 8 (He ran the midfield single handedly), Nolan 5 (Great goal but hopeless in the first 45), Collison 6 (one lovely shot but uninspiring for most of game), Cole 7 (best player on the pitch in the second half until he was withdrawn) Baldock 7 (Lively whilst on). Subs: Piquionne 5 (Won the penalty but hopeless in the first half and should have done better with two headers in the second half) Carew 6 (looked far more interested than at Coventry) Taylor 6 (a promising cameo)

Cole Starts, Taylor Saved For Middlesborough

Just as I predicted in midweek, Taylor is not being risked for today's game, with Allardyce anxious to have five fit, combative midfielders for the trip to Miserableborough on Tuesday. Cole, on the other hand, is given a start up top alongside Baldock.

The team also has a more positive look with Faubert starting on the right of midfield and O'Brien returning at right back. So no conventional holding midfielder. This is a team designed to attack in what looks like a fairly conventional 4-4-2 formation.

In full the team reads:


O'Brien, Tomkins, Faye, McCartney

Faubert, Noble, Nolan, Collison

Cole, Baldock

Options on the bench are: Stech, Demel, Taylor, Piquionne and Carew.

With Southampton losing at Bristol City, this is now a HUGE game!

The Sun says, "Karren Brady is a whore"!

Sorry about the headline, just quoting from Karren's own (or ghosted) article in 'The Sun' so, presumably that is permissable? Isn't it interesting that whilst whoring herself for "News and Abuse International", Princess Brady is simultaneously pursuing a legal case because her own phone was tapped? Hypocritical or what?

How our heart bleeds for you Karren as you take Satan's coinage whilst whining and seeking legal redress when the demonic arts of News and Abuse International are used against yourself!

How about putting morality over money Karren - you are rich enough to do so after all - by refusing to work for Murdoch in support of the Dowlers and the McCanns? Wouldn't that be the decent thing to do?

But hang on, Brady and decency in bed together? Hmmmm.  Let's just return to Karren's article in 'The Sun' for a moment. What did "The first lady in football" write?

"Karren Brady is a whore".  Far be it from me to take issue with Princess Brady!

Move Over QPR and Chelsea, here comes West Ham Plastics!

Well the name West Ham Olympic was rejected by the fans, so now Brady floats out her latest masterplan, throwing all tradition out with the bath water and transforming the club into West Ham Plastic.

We mock Chelsea fans with the label Plastics and look back at the artificial pitches laid by QPR and Luton Town with horror, but the odds are that when we move to the Olympic Soulless Bowl, the team will be playing on a plastic pitch.

In her role as correspondent for News and Abuse International, Princess Brady writes, "ARTIFICIAL pitches have a bad name but refuse to go away. I'm currently thinking about this because they could have a huge role to play, particularly at multi-purpose venues such as Wembley and the Olympic Stadium."

So there you have it, tucked away in Brady's column in The Sun, the first hint of what is to come. But never mind, the fans will be so far away from the pitch that they will never spot the difference!

Brady enthusiastic about playing with plastic? Well she does work for the Dildo Brothers so what do you expect?

Friday, 25 November 2011

QPR look to van der Vorst

The news of Monique van der Vorst's miraculous recovery from paralysis, enabling her to swap the Paralympics for professional road racing, is provoking excitement down in the Bush. Van der Vorst lost the use of one of her legs when just 13 and was paralysed in both legs when winning Paralympic medals; yet to the amazement of her doctors, she has now made a full recovery and is competing in professional cycling competitions.

The hope is that if van der Vorst can do it, then Kieron Dyer may yet be in with a chance. Of course it is a long shot, as a source close to the club explained: "Recovering from paralysis from the waist down is one thing, but expecting Kieron to play football is a completely different kettle of fish," he said. "Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead but even he might have passed up on the opportunity to treat Dyer. I mean, even the Son of God knows his limits!"

Unlike Neil Warnock of course!

Defoe Snubs QPR

Ex Hammer Jermaine Defoe has dismissed rumours that he might join QPR in January. Judas he may be, but he is not willing to walk out on Tottenham when things are looking so good - even if he isn't playing; and there is just a suggestion that he doesn't consider the Rs worthy of his talents anyway.

To be honest, QPR look a reasonable fit for Defoe to me, if Fernandes and Mittal really are prepared to dip into their pockets and splash the cash. Tottenham apart, none of the big clubs have ever fancied him but that, of course, hasn't registered with Defoe who still sees himself as a footballing god.

Truth is, the guy is a nearly man. He had the potential to be something very special but, like so many, he tripped over his own ego. Still, he would do a job for QPR and would score enough goals to ensure they stay in the Prem - if his ego allows him to make such an obvious step down.

Chances of it happening? Remote.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Chelsea lining up Allardyce to replace Villas-Boas

Patience is running out fast in the Abramovich penthouse and another three defeats over the next month will see Villas Boas sent back to the high school from which he was plucked. With the credentials of former first choice Guus Hiddink somewhat tarnished by the failure of Turkey to qualify for Euro 2012, Abramovich is said to be demanding a guaranteed winner to replace the current Chelsea incumbent, someone who will put pragmatism above everything else.

"Everything points to Sam," said a source close to the Russian. "He got the best out of Anelka when they were together at Bolton and his record at West Ham stands comparison with the very best."

He continued, "Mr Abramovich has watched West Ham on TV a couple of times and has been hugely impressed by how poor they have looked whilst still collecting the points. What Allardyce is proving is that you don't need great players to win games, you just need a system. If he can win games with the rubbish available to him at West Ham, just imagine what he could do with the players at Chelsea."

He added: "Allardyce may not be the fans' first choice but Redknapp was not a popular appointment at Tottenham and look what a great job he is doing. The same holds for Allardyce at West Ham. He has come in, torn up the rule book at the club, moved out their most popular player, bulldozed the Academy, sold down the river every value the club has ever held dear and yet is adored on the terraces because he has got West Ham winning. That's just what Chelsea needs."

Allardyce is known to have a release clause in his West Ham contract should England or one of the Big Four approach him. Whether or not he would condescend to manage Chelsea is, at this stage unclear, however. This is, after all, the man who claimed he should be managing Real Madrid, so Chelsea may not be a sexy enough proposition.

As West Ham blogger Lee Vitout explained, "Why would Sam trade what he has at West Ham for Chelsea? Why exchange a winning club for a team of losers?"

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Matty Taylor to offer balance again

What a relief. Taylor played for 67 minutes in a "behind closed doors" game with Ipswich - which we lost - and now is in contention for the game against Derby.

I don't expect him to start against the Rams actually. I reckon Allardyce will back the team to win that one regardless, and hold Taylor back for the bigger challenge, away to Middlesborough, when he will definitely want five fit and fresh men in midfield.

It's another huge week ahead of us. Six points and we will be sitting very pretty indeed, even though the style of play is bloody ugly!

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Tottenham's 'Arry Antagonising Allardyce

You only have to go back to 2008-09 to find Tottenham and West Ham finishing on the same points total in the Premiership. Then Zola worked his magic and 'Arry transformed Tottenham, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Look at Tottenham now! True they are only in third place in the Prem, whilst we have stormed to second in our league, but what is so so galling is that whilst Allardyce is brutalising the game at Upton Park, 'Arry is proving that the beautiful game really can win you matches as well as friends.

It was refreshing to hear 'Arry say that if he couldn't enjoy watching his team play, he wouldn't be a manager - and there is no denying that he has Spurs playing the game according to the values of Greenwood and, to be fair, Bill Nicholson. Hearing him express this purist view, you couldn't help but think that there was a little dig in there targeted at his principle rival for the England job. Whilst Allardyce is blowing his own trumpet because we have scratched our way to an average 2 points a game in the Championship, 'Arry's Tottenham are averaging 2.27 points per game in the Premiership, and playing free flowing attacking football into the bargain. 

I know we are supposed to hate Spurs, but you can't help but purr when you see Modric, Van der Vaart and Bale combine. If Spurs are lucky with injuries, they may just give the Manchester teams a run for their money in the title race this season.

And the lesson to be learned by the Allardyce Acolytes? Don't buy Doctor Evil's bollocks. Remember when 'Arry led Pompey to promotion from the Championship? They scored 97 goals that season and finished with 98 points, 18 clear of third placed Shafting United. That's the way to do it!

QPR told to take a running jump!

You have to laugh! Fernandes keeps giving it the "Big I am", talking about how he is going to flash the cash and turn QPR into a major force in football, but when it comes to the crunch, well it's an all too familiar whimper. The latest publicity stunt is to offer for Tomkins. Now never mind that our JT is not what QPR need at the moment - Faye would probably be a better short term bet - the joke is the sum offered for a player who will, in time, play for England.

£3m for James Tomkins? They had as much chance of landing him at that price as they had of signing Scott Parker! It looks good in the headlines, of course, and it winds up the Davids no doubt, but if anybody thought we would part at that price, then they know sweet FA about football!

So, who is Fernandes going to bid for next, and how much? He's after a couple of Spurs players of course. Expect a £2m offer for Pavlyuchenko and a £3m bid for Jermaine Defoe any time soon. The offers won't be accepted, of course, but Fernandes will talk big and fool the Rs fans for a little bit longer. Then Beckham will be linked with the club again even though he has confirmed again that he has no intention of paying tax at 50%.

No player will be safe. Fernandes will be after them all, like Noo-Noo on LSD sucking up anything in his path. But will he pay money, real money, big money? Probably not. The secret is to get the publicity, not the player - that could be a very expensive business!

Who has he "bought" so far? Arsenal discard Traore for an undisclosed fee - Fernandes didn't want the fans to know how little was paid up front no doubt; and Newcastle outcast Joey Barton who cost, well nothing actually; and Aston Villa reject Luke Young for, well another undisclosed low fee; and Sunderland misfit Anton Ferdinand for yet another undisclosed fee; and Wright-Phillips for, surprise, surprise, yet another undisclosed fee, which probably amounts to the guy's wages for three years.

The Wright-Phillips signing says it all. Who else tried to sign him? Big spending Bolton, Stoke and Wigan all of whom probably wanted him on loan with Unreal City still paying 50% of the guy's wages!

Now I'm not knocking the signings here. Barton, Young and Wright-Phillips all represent astute business and Anton and Traore are not complete mugs. Full marks to Warnock for doing Redknapp style business! But my point is that for all his self publicity, Fernandes has not actually shelled out any real money yet. And I very much doubt he ever will!

There's talk of a £15m war chest for January which, funnily enough, is the figure quoted year in and year out for West Ham. How much of that ever materialised? Three or four million tops! The Grrrs are ranting about this article below but let's see who is right at the end of January shall we? Defoe to QPR? Really?

Monday, 21 November 2011

The Last Hour of Doctor Allardyce

I'm not having that! As Allardyce describes himself as a tactical genius because of the substitutions on Saturday, Piquionne has come clean and admitted that the winner was the luckiest goal he has ever scored - correction mate, it's the luckiest goal ANYBODY has ever scored. Piquionne basically threw himself out with his fly tipped rubbish, the ball rebounded off him and ended up in the net!

And the first goal we scored was almost as bad. The defender missed Green's clearance and Cole, given a free run on goal, did his best to pass the ball wide of an inviting net, only for a defender to redirect it into the onion bag. Tactical genius! The truth of the matter is that Doctor Evil has signed a pact with the Devil; there's no other explanation for the outrageous good fortune we are enjoying at the moment!

The Allardyce Acolytes are falling over themselves in their rush to credit the manager for his motivational and organisational skills, but how do you motivate a useless twat of a striker to dive under the ball, fall flat on his face and accidentally deflect the ball into the net? The cross was crap, the attempt to connect with the ball was crap and the defending was crap enough to help us score regardless. Genius! Pure Tactical, motivational and organisational genius!

Beware Allardyce, like Doctor Faustus, your last hour will come! Beware!

O, mercy heaven! Look not so fierce on me!
Adders and serpents, let me breathe a while!
Ugly hell, gape not! Come not Lucifer!
I'll burn my route one books! O Mephistopheles!

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Montano Impressing Again

New club, same difference. Montano made his debut for the Daggers and promptly notched his first goal for the third team he has represented this season.

Surely this boy is worth a place on the bench to be used as an impact sub? Start with Cole and Baldock, have EITHER Carew or Piquionne on the bench, and include young Montano as a player who would offer something radically different.

When will Allardyce grow a pair and give the kids a chance?

The Beginning of a Leicester Charge?

Leicester 3 Palace 0. Oops, we could have done without that! True Palace started the game above Leicester in the table but we really didn't want the Foxes running riot in the bins of the Championship.

We remain nine points ahead of Pearson's charges, but that gap could close quickly if Leicester start playing to their potential and our luck runs out, with narrow victories petering out into tame draws or one goal reverses.

Leicester travel to Pompey next Saturday and I will be a Portsmouth supporter for the day!

Zola Still Tarting Himself

He doesn't give up does he? Zola has been telling Talk Bollocks about how he expects to get another shot at management in the Premiership after his call to be employed in Russia apparently fell upon deaf ears. With Inter Milan not even acknowledging his application and Leicester City preferring Pearson Pragmatism to Zola Zest, poor Gianfranco still finds himself in a managerial wasteland, kept company coincidentally by Alan Turds Curbishley and Avram Atoning Grant.

Limbo is a dark, dark place for these Hollow Men, groping together, headpieces filled with tactical straw.

QPR's Warnock Stirs The Blatter Pot

First off, I have to acknowledge a wonderful headline on the News Now board which reads "Warnock calls for Blatter Boycott". What a lovely image that creates. The Swiss Swindler crossed with the woman beating, apartheid South Africa supporting, dour former Yorkshire and England opening batsman!

"Now look young Jonathan, what you know about racism I could write on the back of a Nigerian postage stamp. You don't know what you're talking about man. Of course it can be settled by a handshake. Look in Yorkshire we never let the blackies play county cricket, we had this rule that you had to be born in the county. Then in came all these bloody Asians and some started to give birth in the county and the bloody game were up. So we recruited young Sachin. Lovely lad. He used to put the whitener on my boots and I said to him, shame you can't smear the stuff all over you Sachin my boy, then you'd look like a real Yorshireman. How we laughed at that! You want a tournament in South Africa? How much are you paying as a back hander?"

But anyway, I digress. Back to Warnock!

It seems to me that the Gobby One has made almost as big a gaffe as Septic Bladder with his call for black players to boycott the next international game. Why black players exactly? Surely this is an issue that affects ALL players, irrespective of the colour of skin? Isn't that the point of this argument? EVERY player should boycott the next round of international fixtures unless Blatter goes. Otherwise, South Africa will field an all white team in a throw back to the days of apartheid! And Blatter Boycott would love that!

The Allardyce Way - Teaching the world how to play.

Dear God, how desperate are the Doctor Evil apologists? Over on the Org there is a thread running eulogising Allardyce, and the consensus is that Allardyce is doing a fantastic job, not because the team is playing well, but because the team is playing badly!

The logic is so perverse it requires quoting or else I will not do it justice. Apparently Nolan is a brilliant captain because we are "winning games that we deserve to lose". Apparently it is "a mark of a good side when they "play poor or scrappy football and still walk away with a win". Apparently our victory over Brighton was a "beautiful game with some stunning defending and absolute spot on tactics". Apparently we should build and worship at the altar of Doctor Evil because we "grind out results". Apparently we should "Get some perspective and start the merry making because this truly is the best time in a very long time to be a West Ham supporter". And apparently, anybody who doesn't concur with all this is a "simpleton".

And what is the justification for this eulogy? We are second in a very poor division, five points behind Southampton who were two divisions below us last season; and yesterday we got lucky and ground out a 2-1 victory against the team who are joint bottom of the table! In fact, we ground out a 1-0 win away to bottom team Doncaster, a 2-1 win away to second to bottom Coventry and a 0-0 draw at home to third from bottom Bristol City. Brilliant!

Read the Allardyce apologists and you would think we were better than Barcelona! They are a rubbish team because they look brilliant and win; we're better because we look shit every time we play but win regardless. That's what fans pay to see apparently. They don't want beautiful football. They don't want to see exhilarating football. They don't want breathless, attacking football. Why would they want that for God's sake? No, fans pay to see dour, boring, oppressive, utilitarian football. Aesthetics? To hell with aesthetics. Or to Southampton with aesthetics at least!

So this is the best of times is it? Well Dickens coined "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" and that sums it up for me. Of course I was delighted with the three points yesterday but the performance was, yet again, dreadful. I am appalled that West Ham fans, in their desperation, are setting the bar so low and allowing Allardyce to subvert the values of the club so absolutely whilst getting so very little in return.

We are in the Championship, not the Premiership. We are playing the likes of Bristol City and Doncaster, not Chelsea and Manchester City. We have a squad that should be taking this division by storm. But we are scratching victories and playing like Bolton Wanderers in their darkest days. Look at our goals yesterday! Route one and lucky! And don't give me the line about this being a difficult division. Tell that to Southampton!

Our first half performance yesterday was a disgrace. Why? Wrong personnel and wrong tactics. And who is to blame for that? Allardyce. The luck nearly ran out yesterday just as it ran out at home to Bristol City. Keep playing badly and you will end up getting what you deserve. It is true that great teams get points when playing badly, but great teams dominate seven games out of ten and grind out results in the other three. We are grinding through the gears in every single game!

How I feel sorry for the fans of Barcelona. Sullivan and Gold should target the Catalan demographic with a marketing slogan of "Why have caviar when you can swallow shit instead?"

Leeds' O'Brien Engineering Move to West Ham

Interesting to read that Andy O'Brien has refused to play for Leeds and Grayson has said he will never play for the club again. This is hot on the heels of the Leeds manager insisting that there was no way the Anglo-Irishman would be allowed to go out on loan after he was linked with West Ham.

O'Brien, of course, is an ex Bolton player so, no doubt, fancies linking up with Allardyce at West Ham Wanderers. By pure coincidence he is a centre back and we are crying out for cover for Tomkins and Faye because of the injury to Reid.

Leeds will be reluctant to aid our promotion bid but with the Championship equivalent of a Tevez affair developing, Grayson will probably be happy to just get him out. Expect a loan deal until January and a free transfer move as soon as the window opens.

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Superb Day for QPR!

What a dream day for the Rs! Many more like this and I will start to believe that they can establish themselves in the Prem despite Warnock, Anton, Gabbidon and Dyer! First ten minutes it was one way traffic according to the radio commentary I was listening to, and when Stoke went ahead, I thought it was curtains - a three goal tonking!

But amazingly not only did the Rs equalize, they dominated Stoke and would have netted four but for a disallowed goal. Amazing stuff!

And meanwhile, Blackburn and Wigan slit each other's throats, Bolton lost and Sunderland and Fulham also shared the spoils. With Swansea, Norwich and Wolves losing too, all QPR's Christmases came on one wonderful Saurday.

Not looking at the bottom now, just peering down from the heady heights! They will be cock a hoop in the Bush tonight!

Allardyce the Master Tactician

OK, it may have been said a little tongue in cheek but Doctor Evil used the words "master tactician" in relation to his substitutions. Old Big 'Ead said:

"We changed it round at half time and I told the players that they were attacking the end where we had 6,500 fans who had travelled all the way to support us and we'd not played well enough to get them behind us."

"We changed the system and once we got Freddie Piquionne and Carlton Cole on, it was then that the game changed in our favour. For me, it was only a matter of time before we started to score goals."

"I can call myself the master tactician! It's another valuable three points towards our target and for only the second time we are exactly where we want to be which is 34 points after 17 games."

I have two things to say by way of reply. Firstly, I'd rather be on 39 points from 17 games like Southampton!

And secondly, a master tactician would get the team playing for 90 minutes, not 45! How refreshing would it be not to HAVE to change it around at half time?

Sorry to piss on Allardyce's bonfire of vanity!

Coventry 1 West Ham 2 - Out of the clear blue skies!

Well that was too close for comfort. Second from top against second from bottom, it should have been much easier than we made it, but three points are three points and victories for Southampton and Leeds apart, other results have gone our way. There's a healthy buffer now between ourselves and seventh placed Blackpool, although the gap will close a bit after the Leicester v Palace game where a draw would be the ideal result for us.

Will Allardyce learn anything from this game? After the Hull City game, you would have expected Cole to start ahead of Carew; but instead Doctor Evil persisted with the lumbering Norwegian. A goal down and in desperate need of a saviour, Carew might have the right initials for the job but Jesus, he looked off the pace or disinterested. Cometh the second half and, just as at Hull, cometh the man, with the England international replacing the Norwegian international, and suddenly the whole team's performance transforming! Were you watching Margaret Thatcher? Were you watching Winston Churchill? Were you watching Sam Allardyce? Our boy Cole gave the Norwegian one hell of a beating! Just like at Hull!

First half, we were pretty damn clueless. Yet again, there was no creative spark in the team, and once again the midfield were misfiring or bypassed. No surprise then that when the equaliser came, it was yet again straight out of the Doctor Evil Textbook of Route One Football. Green to Cole, deflection, goal! And goal number two isn't going to feature in Goal of the Season either is it? Faubert cross, Piquionne gets something on it - knee? shin? cock? - and it ends up nestled in the net - a real fly tip of a goal!

Collison missed a good chance and Nolan was a shadow of his Newcastle self yet again. It's three more points in the bank and nine from the last three away games, but there was nothing convincing about our performance yet again. I'm not complaining about grinding out results - that is a rare joy for a West Ham fan as we all know - but this remains a team struggling for shape, poise and a sense of self belief and conviction.

Dear God, it took us until the 55th minute to win our first corner against the team second from bottom in the table! Poor Baldock, Allardyce may be starting him but he is not being used from the start on the shoulder of the big striker, instead he is tracking opponents rather than asking them questions. So, why do we have to wait for 45 minutes before we go onto the front foot? It makes no sense to me.

Another big home game is on the horizon. Will Taylor be fit to return? Will Cole start? Will Faubert move up into midfield, with O'Brien returning at right back? Will we start in a proper 4-4-2? There's still more questions than answers. But for all that, we remain in second place!

Coventry v West Ham Odd Team!

Disappointed to see Carew starting ahead of Cole but good to see Badock starts. It looks 4-1-3-2


Faubert, Tomkins, Faye, McCartney


Collison, Noble, Nolan

Carew, Baldock

No Taylor. That injury seems to be pretty deep seated! Subs Stech, O'Brien, Sears, Cole and Piquionne. So still no Demel!

Unhappy Memory of Coventry

28th of November, 1970. I woke up from an appendix operation with my concerned parents standing over my hospital bed. Still fighting the general anaesthetic, with my head groggy and my eyes feeling like huge pebbles were pressing them upon down, I looked for some sort of loving reassurance. Instead, my father muttered, "Bloody West Ham lost 2-1 to Coventry!"

The team that day tugs at many a nostalgic nerve in my body:


McDowell, Taylor, Moore, Lampard

Holland, Eustace, Howe

Best, Hurst, Greaves

Those were the days when 4-3-3 meant 4-3-3! Can you imagine any of Best, Hurst or Greaves working the flanks and tracking back opponents?

It's easy to see why we lost that day. That has to be one of the poorest midfield line ups I have ever seen. Eustace was nicknamed Useless for a reason and Bobby Howe was never a first choice player. Patsi was a wonderful player on the ball but was not the sort to get stuck in and mix it! Presumably Brooking, Redknapp and Bonds were injured! Mind you, Brooking was not an established player at that stage and Redknapp, at the other end of the footballing career, was probably more focused on building a business empire.

We finished third from bottom that season and, because of my operation, I have harboured an irrational hatred of Coventry ever since. How I hope we stuff them today!

QPR Face Dodgy Day of Dangerous Reckoning

It's a big day for the Rs today. Stoke were badly wounded just before the international break and Pulis will have them well and truly fired up, seeking to get their season back on the rails. Ferguson wouldn't choose to take Man Utd to the Britannia today, so it is rough justice on QPR that the fixture list has asked them to go into the bruising bear pit. With Pulis in one dugout and Warnock in the other, this will not be a game for the faint hearted.

The big worry for the Rs is that a cluster of teams beneath them look good to pick up points. A victory for Stoke will see them leapfrog Warnock's warriors, whilst West Brom, Sunderland and Everton will all fancy their chances of picking up home victories. If they don't, their opponents Fulham, Bolton and Wolves, all below QPR in the table, will benefit. Worse still, the two bottom teams meet and victory for either will see them climb closer to the Rs should they lose.

Before the Grrrs go off on one, I am not wishing defeat on QPR here, just pointing out the importance of today. By this evening, QPR could be in the top 10, or the bottom six. The victory over 9 man Chelsea and the plucky defeat against rampant Man City suggest they can mix it with the big boys, but the season will be decided more by games like today's.

Last season West Ham, minus the atoning Avram Grant, picked up a point at the Britannia and that has to be QPR's target. My money is on Stoke winning by two clear goals.

Pav Off!

Francisco Pavon Zlatan Ibrahimovic (R) of FC Barcelona scores his second goal, his sides fourth, past Francisco Pavon of Real Zaragoza during the La Liga match between FC Barcelona and Real Zaragoza at the Camp Nou Stadium on October 25, 2009 in Barcelona, Spain. Barcelona won the match 6-1.
So ex Real Madrid defender Francisco Pavon isn't joining us after all. The Mail reports that it is because we weren't prepared to offer him a long enough contract but, as with Hell Hadji, Doctor Evil is putting it down to fitness issues. Interesting.

What exactly does Allardyce expect? He knew that Pavon hadn't been with a club since August so presumably he knew he would be out of condition. Isn't that the purpose of pre-season?

And the fitness issues of Hell Hadji didn't exactly hold him back did they? He scored twice and assisted the third in just the second game into his Doncaster career. Useless fat bastard!

I said at the time that Sam Pot was spinning us a line about the reason why we sent Diouf packing. The fans blocked the move for Spitting Image and now I very much suspect that Pavoff has said piss off rather than vice versa. Penny pinching is probably behind this one. I hope to God Tomkins and Faye stay fit for the foreseeable future!

Friday, 18 November 2011

Allardyce Fury at Abromovich Slur

One can only guess at Sam Pot's fury about being roped into the Berezovsky and Abromovich trial. According to reports in the Telegraph, a key witness in the trial received a threatening text signed by none other than "Doctor Evil".

Now Satan only knows why Allardyce would be involved in this spat between two Russian oligarchs. According to the Telegraph "There was uproar in court as the allegation was made and the judge, Mrs Justice Gloster briefly adjourned the hearing." And I should think so too. Doctor Evil hasn't got where he is today by sending threatening texts to friends of Russian billionaires!

Poor Sam, he should be focusing on the game at Coventry and on finding a kiss me quick for nothing centre half; the last thing he needs is to be implicated in a court action that clearly has absolutely nothing to do with him. Dear God, before you know it, he will be arraigned for crimes against humanity in Cambodia!

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Here's hoping Pearson fails at Leicester!

I had nothing against the guy until this week, but his switch from Hull to Leicester in mid season is nothing short of disgraceful in my book. Fair enough if a Premiership club head hunts a manager in the Championship, but to jump ship and climb aboard a rival shitik is utterly despicable.

Of course, we are not blameless as a club in this respect, poaching Pardew from Reading in a very similar way. But Pards struggled in his first season, his betrayal of his former employers seemingly hanging like an albatross around his neck. Hopefully the same will happen to Pearson.

There will be those quick to point out that clubs show no loyalty to managers so why should managers keep faith with clubs, but it is the Hull fans I feel sorry for. Pearson was doing a good job, getting more out of the team than anybody could reasonably expect. Now the players and the fans will feel deflated at the very least, and possibly even betrayed. I suspect their promotions chances are dead in the water as a result.

Will Leicester now go on a winning run? I hope not. Pearson and Leicester deserve to come a Roy Cropper in my opinion and sink without trace.

Montano - Is this a dagger I see before me?

I'm confused. Isn't there a rule limiting the number of clubs you can play for in a season? At this rate, Montano will play for every team in the bottom two divisions before the end of May.

What is Allardyce doing to the guy? Nottingham is OK, but fancy sending him to Swindon! And it gets worse! Now it is international centre of culture, Dagenham! The local branch of the BNP and the English Defence League will no doubt welcome him with open arms !

Poor Montano. If I was him, I would be on the first plane back to Bogota!

A black day for Septic Bladder

Well the guy is Swiss so perhaps he is just a little bit cuckoo! The man who famously started out in football as the President of the Zurich Brown Shirts has put his jack booted foot well and truly in it this time. With Suarez charged for allegedly repeatedly using the N word to Evra and Terry under investigation for calling Anton black - just want to sit those two alongside one another for context - Mein Fuhrer Blatter thinks racism isn't an issue in football and can be resolved by a hand shake at the end of a game!

Never mind the monkey chants on the terraces in Spain! Never mind the unbridled racism that we are almost certainly going to witness in Poland and the Ukraine this summer! Never mind the Kick Racism out of Football campaign! According to Blatter,  'During a match you may say something to somebody who is not exactly looking like you but at the end... it's forgotten.' And what might that something be, I wonder? Nigger, monkey, Pakki, coon, wog, Juden pig? They can all be forgotten with a handshake can they? What planet is this guy on exactly?

Blatter was born in 1936. He lived through the Second World War. I know the Swiss were happy to act as the Nazis' bankers but you would have thought that he might understand that racism is slightly more serious than simple name calling in a game. I have defended Terry but would want to see Suarez thrown out of English football if he is guilty of directing the N word repeatedly at Evra. There is NO place in the game for that sort of foul, malicious, premeditated racism.

Septic Bladder should go. This wasn't a gaffe, it was the sincerely held view of a racist.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

How good did Tottenham's Walker look?

I took issue with the awarding of the MOTM award to Parker on Saturday, but you will hear no quibbles from me about the award going to Walker yesterday. This boy is quick, bloody quick, and he was a revelation on the right hand flank.

It is rare that a player looks immediately at home in an England shirt but Walker played as if he had 50 caps to his name, not one based on a few minutes action against Spain. Defensively, he was close to faultless until the final 10 minutes, and offensively, he was hugely impressive, raiding up the right flank and providing options and space for Walcott and Downing.

A very exciting young England team is emerging. I can't see them winning the European Championship but Jones, Rodwell, Young, Walcott, Wilshire, Rooney, Hart, Welbeck, Smalling, Richards, Cleverley and Walker could form the core of an impressive team for the next World Cup. And unlike the "golden generation", these boys have not been built up into superstars ahead of their time.

Happy days!

The Return of Zammo

What a wonderful idea! Zamora has fallen out with Martin Jol apparently, so he is being linked with a return to the club he supports. And wouldn't we fans welcome him back with open arms?

It's a great story, but is it going to happen? Not a chance in hell!

Why? Well look at Scott Parker. Capello made it abundantly clear that if Scotty wanted to play for England, then he would have to ply his trade in the Premiership. And as if to prove the point, it was another Scott, Calamity Carson, who replaced Hart at half time last night, not Rob of the Championship Green. It seems that Fabio holds even Turkish football in higher regard than the mickey mouse division we are currently sitting in second place in!

Zamora is in with a shout of going to the European Championship finals and, as much as I would love to see him back at Upton Park, I would hate it if he were to blow that opportunity. Zamora, for me, is one of the genuinely good guys in football - self effacing, hard working, honest as the day is long, a reluctant hero almost. His approach is refreshing in the modern game and his presence in the England squad is a tribute to his determination in the face of repeated rejection.

Where will he go if he does leave Fulham? My money would be on QPR given his preference to stay in London, but Pardew might just persuade him to move north to link up with Ba. The two ex Irons could form a very potent combination!

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

The England Blind Squad had better look out!

Dear God, that is risky, taking the England blind squad to Wembley when Terry is captaining our country. How long before Terry jogs over and calls them, "Fcuking useless BLIND cnuts!"?

Half Time England 1 Sweden 0

Looking pretty good to me. Zamora's lack of quality in the box showed when he had a chance - he tried to take the extra touch and the chance was gone - but Zammo has linked the play excellently. Turds defenders should note that Curbishley showed Bobby the door, even though Zamora is a West Ham fan. I bet you that, unlike Parker, he would have put club before country if still a Hammer when we were relegated. In fact, what am I saying, with Zamora in the team last season, we wouldn't have gone down. Holding midfielders played as midfield generals don't get you enough goals; centre forwards who score and create openings for others do!

Downing's cross for the goal was excellent and he and Baines have linked well down the left. And on the right, Walker and Walcott have combined superbly both offensively and defensively. In centre midfield, Rodwell and Jones have also done well, although both have missed chances that' Arry's mum would have tucked away. But credit where credit is due, unlike Parker they have got into the opposition box! Oh, and of course, Barry was the last England man to touch the ball before it nestled into the net! Oh for Scotty's defensive covering eh guys!

No nearer a loan deal - oh for da Costa now!

It seems Doctor Evil is working his way through his wish list, meeting with rejection and frustration every time he suggests a possible centre back to bring in on loan. And that's hardly surprising when you think about it. The window closed some time ago and any players that clubs were happy to part with were ushered through the door then. A few stragglers remained, it is true, but they have been collected with the empties some time ago, meaning that the cupboard is pretty damn bare.

Who is responsible for leaving the squad so exposed in this critical position? When we signed Faye we had centre backs coming out of our ears - but Gabbidon, Upson and da Costa all departed in a rush, taking us down to the bare bones.

da Costa was the strange one in most people's eyes. True he may have been trading a stretch in Wandsworth Prison for a year or two in a Russian gulag, but if the impending court case was not the reason for his sale, why did we let him go? At the end of the day, all he received was on a slap on the wrist for a slap around the face so if it was the threat of imprisonment, it was a gross over reaction.

da Costa would have been a giant in the Championship and would surely have been first pick over Reid and Faye. Was this, therefore, an error of judgement on Allardyce's part or a penny pinching move by Sullivan and Gold? Or was there a form of revenge involved because da Costa voiced criticism of the club following relegation?

Whatever the reason, the decision to let him go is looking pretty stupid at the moment. What happens if Tomkins or Faye, or God forbid both, join Reid in the treatment room? Or if either see a red card? We will then be up shit creek without a paddle!

Monday, 14 November 2011

QPR want £12m for Taarabt!

£12m for Taarabt? Who are they kidding? There's a report suggesting that Napoli fancy him, but the whole of Italy combined couldn't afford to pay £12m at the moment, never mind the little donkeys of Seria A!

PSG are also rumoured to be interested but surely not at that price tag. He looked good in the Championship but is struggling to hack it in the top division. I reckon somebody might gamble £5m on him in the current market but even that sounds toppy for a player who has temperament problems and who was jetisoned by Spurs.

If I was betting on it, my money would be on a loan deal in January just to get Taarabt off the pay roll and out of Warnock's hair.